Void On Christmas

Waking up at five o'clock to go to the bathroom, I climbed down from our double deck sleepily. Outside, I could hear Christmas songs playing from our barangay's little chapel. Our house help was already there waiting for the "Simbang Gabi"like how she did everyday. I passed by my uncle's bed and he hasn't arrived yet and I wondered where he could be and asked her, our house help, if she knew but like any of us, she didn't.

I climbed back to bed feeling cold. The wind is chilly this time of the year here in the Philippines and I wondered how lower the temperature in our province could be.

After drinking water from my new personalized tumbler, I rested back on my bed. Then the mass was starting, I could hear it. But I can't. I don't want to. I caught my breath thinking about him, my special friend.

The past few months before I came back here, we attended mass, prayed the rosary and novena together. We always sat next to each other feeling comfortable and warm. He usually rested his ankle on his knee while the other was resting on my leg. I could remember it clearly. I haven't seen him do that with anyone but me. And I liked the feeling of his gestures. We also usually played with our hands, tangling and untangling them, holding each other feeling warm. I could also recall when he snatched away the cookie I was munching on and ate all of it so that I couldn't snatch it back from him. I wince at him then he would give me the cookie he was munching on and smile like it was only normal that I ate his cookie when he eats mine.

One time, his sister would lean next to him and he would move away telling her to stop bothering him and then his sister would ask why he was acting that way toward him but when it was me, he would stay still and even get closer. that was what our sister complain about t times.

"Why don't you want me to hug you but when it comes to him..."
"It's always him..."

That's what my sister always says and that's what I heard from his sister one time.

Those were our memories. Some of them, I mean. Because now, even if i badly miss him and long to be with him, I can't because he's so far away, literally. I left that place because i was a coward. I couldn't face having such satisfying happiness and overwhelming warmth because I know it wouldn't last. I don't expect it, too. I have been to a relationship before that I expected too much and believed in it that much until it only ended painfully sooner than I thought it would. And I don't think I could face that kind of heartbreak again.

I do miss him so much and this Christmas, I won't be able to be with him and listen to Christmas music. I just wish someone could fill the void that I'm feeling now. Someone to patch it but no, that's not what I really want. Because what i want is o see him agaian and continue the happiness I was feeling before i left.